5 Essential Sports Questions that are on my Mind

Well I am here watching the freaking never-ending game between the Phillies and Reds.  I'm pretty upset because if the Phillies won yesterday I would have won a pretty hefty parlay that I had going, but they decided that they would lose that game.  Then, they came out today and decided to play as long as humanly possible.  Which is nice because I hate sleeping anyway.  But while I am watching these commentators do their best to not kill themselves out of sheer frustration, I figured I would post five essential sports questions that I have on my mind:

I hate the Thunder.  This really isn't a question.  So let me turn it into a question.  Does anybody that is not in Oklahoma City actually enjoy watching them play?

Imagine how much fun a Grizzlies Mavericks series would have been.  It would have been competitive, and you can bet that the Grizzlies would not have choked that 15 point lead away.  If only Zach Randolph didn't suffer multiple heat strokes in that triple overtime game, I feel as if the Grizz could have pulled that out.  But the Thunder managed to use their home court advantage to pull out in 7 games, and the Mavericks were absolutely ecstatic.  No longer did they have to worry about a basketball team, but instead they had to focus on a crazy point guard who takes more shots than an alcoholic would at a bachelor party.  And I've taken a lot of heat for hating on Westbrook (mostly from Horace), so let me just tell you that my attack of Durant is coming up shortly.  But seriously.  My blog is only a week old and if you google I hate Russell Westbrook, I'm the second hit.  Thank God I don't have to worry about him any more unless he starts playing at my local playground or something, where I will be forced to pull an Andrew Bynum regardless of whether or not he is on my team.

If the NHL playoffs take place and nobody sees it, did they really take place?

Now I am not a fan of hockey in any way shape or form, so I guess this is kind of biased.  But then again this is entirely my blog and is filled with my biased views.  But can anyone really be surprised that the NHL playoff ratings are so low this year?  There are no storylines, and all the big teams are out on vacation.  The West is being represented by the Vancouver Canucks.  Now this is great if your one of the four people in Vancouver, but what about us Americans.  There just isn't any drama in hockey, no storylines that we care about.  The East is either going to be won by Boston or Tampa Bay, both two cities that aren't normally associated with hockey supremacy.  There are more people in Boston that are rooting against Lebron than rooting for their Bruins team. And Tampa Bay? Yeah Florida and hockey go together real well.  Whatever, go ahead and hate me you crazy hockey fans.  It's probably more exciting to bash me than to watch a hockey game itself.  

Why is Ray Lewis allowed to have interviews on ESPN?

Don't get me wrong.  I think Ray Lewis is a great human being, one who obviously does a great job helping his community.  But what the hell is he talking about??? I was personally not aware that if football is locked out the entire world will end.  He mentions how everyone will be affected by it.  Crime will apparently sky rocket.  The apocalypse will shortly follow.  I googled "Post Superbowl Spike in Crime" and google apparently decided that I was retarded.  The only thing that came up was an article about an increase in prostitution during the Superbowl.  Apparently people don't deal with the end of football by going out and robbing people or starting fights with others.  People can still watch college football.  They can watch American Idol.  They can, shockingly enough, go outside and play football themselves.  But hey, if football is officially cancelled and crime skyrockets then I'll retract all my statements and call Mr. Lewis a freaking genius.  Hell, I'll go out into the streets tonight and buy a gun just in case riots break out.  You never know.

Why the hell is Mike Brown going to coach in the NBA again, much less for the Lakers?

I'm not even going to explain this.  Let me just pose a hypothetical dialogue between Kobe and Mike Brown:

Kobe: Coach, I can't do anything out there.  You don't have any plays for us, all you do is set up isolation for me and have everyone else stand there.  I'm not Lebron you know.
Mike Brown: Uh I am one of the most winningest coaches by winning percentage of all time.  I don't think you can say anything.  You got swept by a bunch of old white guys last year.
Kobe: Yes, but Coach we have two all stars on this team.  Get Gasol and Odom involved in this!
Mike Brown: They are.  I've reserved special spots on the floor where they can stand and watch you play.
Kobe: OK whatever, can we at least design an inbounds play for now.
Mike Brown: We have one.  You inbound the ball.  Then whoever you pass to has to give it back to you within a second or he's benched forever.  Then we immediately set up our offense.
Kobe: But we don't have an offense!

And finally, the most troublesome question for me:

What the hell does Kevin Durant keep in his book-bag that he always wears to his postgame press conferences!!!!? 

I have a couple of ideas, but I would really appreciate it if Kevin Durant contacted me directly to tell me. It's not like he has anything better to do.
-15 lb dumbbells, which he uses to improve his bench press before every game.  Unfortunately, it also fucks up his jump shot to the point that you'd rather have Kendrick Perkins bobbling the ball around in the paint than KD shooting an open shot.
- Psychedelics which he uses to deal with the fact that there is a crazy point guard on his team who has made a vow to take more shots than him.
- A shotgun which he plans on using when he goes after Jason Kidd one of these days.  This may be the only way he can get an advantage over Kidd, who has absolutely embarrassed him these series on several occasions.  
- A "how to play in the paint for dummies book", which he is yet to read.  He did however read the "How to Pump Fake a couple Hundred times and flail in the air asking for a foul for dummies" several times over.
- A bunch of bricks, which come in handy if the wind becomes too much for Kevin Durant's 110 lb frame.
- A bunch of tissues, since he seems ready to break down crying every time he holds a press conference

OK that's it.  The Phillies game just ended.  I think they brought in one of their security guards to pitch for them after running out of players on the bench.  But I could be wrong, I was too busy trying not to fall asleep/sending emails to basketball teams in China hoping that they take Westbrook away from here so I can find something new to hate on.