Ok, so anyway sorry for my last rant on the Heat losing. It was far too negative for my liking, but I just had to get it out. Anyway, my next topic actually exists because I hate Rottentomatoes.com. It seems like they are the ultimate authority when it comes to movies, which is absolutely retarded. (I know, I've seen the commercials. I shouldn't use that word because it's a slur. Sue me) Every person on that site seems to think the same exact way. I read the reviews, and everyone either likes a movie for the same exact reason or hates it for the same exact reason. It's like all the "critics" get together before they write their reviews, and figure out what the general consensus is. Well, screw Rottentomatoes. Here are my reviews for the summer movies I've seen so far. (Worst possible grade is an F, best possible grade is an A+)
1)
Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Another Bullshit Mission so that Disney can collect Millions
Ok, the only positive thing I can say about this movie is that it isn't the worst Pirates in the series. With that said, there are no fucking pirates in the Caribbean. Zero. And the only thing worse than Disney convincing kids otherwise is that Disney also convinces kids that all pirates are like Jack Sparrow. In fact, Disney has no problem creating amusement park rides featuring these stupid pirates. I sit through these movies hoping that Jack Sparrow will die, so that Disney can finally stop producing more movies. But of course they can't kill Jack. There is far too much money to be made on this stupid series. Do you want my suggestion? Please someone step up and create a Pirates of the Somalian Coast. It can be a Rated R movie that features pirates robbing innocent people, raping them, and then violently murdering them. It will be a far more accurate depiction of what pirates are, and I bet kids won't be so eager to walk around dressed like pirates. Hell, I'm going to start collecting donations and I'll direct the movie myself. If you would like to donate to this cause, please contact me. As for the movie, it sucked but you know they're still going to continue producing sequels until Johnny Depp loses his ability to walk.
FINAL GRADE=
F
2) Thor
Frankly, I went into this movie not really sure what a Thor was. I walked out of it still not sure what a Thor is. Marvel decided that it was a good idea to take every comic they ever made, and create a movie based on it. Now, the folks at Rottentomato thought this movie was quite good, but then again everyone that works there is an idiot. This movie is unbelievably stupid. Now, if you have absolutely no use for a ten dollar bill and ran out of lighter fluid and you want to see this movie, then please stop reading this. I will ruin the movie in the next few lines. The main bad guy in this movie is Brad Pitt's stepbrother who is secretly a zombie. But in the end, he actually chooses not to be a zombie and ends up choosing the human's side. So there really is no antagonist. And not only is there no antagonist, but Brad Pitt had a huge hammer that can kill absolutely anything that walks. So even if there was an antagonist, he'd be dead within the first few minutes of the film because the hammer can kill anything. There. I saved you 10 dollars. Don't see this movie.*
*Note- The plot I described above is based on my interpretation of it and can be and probably is completely wrong.
FINAL GRADE=
F
3) Super 8
A movie called Super 8 has absolutely nothing to do with a Super 8. In fact, you don't ever actually learn what the title is about. But all in all, the movie was pretty enjoyable for the most part. A lot of the scenes were very funny, and the movie itself flowed very well. But of course, they had to find a way to ruin it. Now I may be biased, well rather, I am biased, but I hate the idea of these stupid allien monsters. First the Clover-field monster, and then now everyone wants to create their own allien monster that can end the world. Whatever happened to the good old antagonists, like zombies or psychos or African Americans? NO, now we get 25 foot demonic monsters from outer-space who are actually misunderstood creatures who are actually homesick. I thought this idea would end in District 9. But no, they had to reuse it. Oh here's a huge monster killing everyone. Oh no he's not a monster, he just really wants to go home. Oh ok, yeah the monster killed everyone except for the 3 annoying ass kids that also happen to be the protagonists of the movie. Oh ok, brilliant! Give me a break. I hate movies that have a plot hole in the fact that giant monsters from alliens don't really exist. Prove me wrong. But all in all, I liked everything about the movie except for most of the characters and the plot and the ending.
FINAL GRADE= A VERY GENEROUS C-
4) Mr. Popper's PenguinsOk I have to be honest here. I walked into this movie halfway through after watching Thor. I have no idea how Mr. Popper got a bunch of penguins. But you know what? It doesn't matter. This is easily the best summer movie since Piranhas 3D came out. It is a family friendly movie that doesn't revolve around felons that make a living by looting and murdering. The movie stars Jim Carrey, who brought a very unique sense of humor to the movie. This movie combined that humor with an excellent story, and a plot that actually made sense. No, there are no alliens in this movie. But the superb acting and great story make this the best movie of the summer of 2011. If you have not seen this movie, then it is highly recommended. Stop wasting your time with stupid superhero movies, when this gem is available. Highly recommended!
FINAL GRADE= A+
That's it for now, good night to all. If you do not like my reviews, then tough luck. Make your own blog and bitch about it. Or apply to work at Rottentomatoes. The only skill required there is the ability to surpress your own ideas and agree with the majority.
-Divine 6/18/2011
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